The Multiple Identities of An Alzheimer’s Caregiver
“Which one of has Alzheimer’s? Mother or me?”I’d sometimes wonder when I tried to figure our which of the “me’s” I was.
At one time Mother thought I was two people…Mary Emma (me, moi) and “that other” woman who was trying to steal my husband! Then there were occasions when I wondered which one I was. Or was I someone else entirely watching the whole scenerio.
The first time it happened, Mother said, ”That other woman was here while you were at Joanie’s (Mother’s neighbor).”
“Which woman?” I asked, thinking a friend had stopped by and Mother had forgotten her name.
“That other one Jim has here.”
WOW! Now what was going on?
“She was sitting with Jim and Lorance (the man who helped us manage Mother’s properties). And she was giving them money!” Mother explained.
Now it became clear. Earlier I had been sitting at the dining table with the men, going over repair bills, making plans for property upkeep and paying Lorance for his work. Was I that “other woman?”
Another time, it might be: “That other woman was here while you were gone,” Mother whispered conspiratorially. “But I made her leave. She isn’t here now, is she?”
“No, Mother, I’m here,” I replied
“Good. She can’t trick me,” Mother continued. “I’m too smart for her.”
For several months, I did seem to acquire two identities. When I tried to convince Mother I was me, Mary Emma, she accused the “other woman” of trying to steal my name as well as my husband.
“What’s her name?” Mother once asked.
“Mary Ellen,” I said. And that seemed to satisfy her. So I had to remember which Mary I was when.
I learned to sort them out, learned to play each role, learned how to get that other woman to leave. Eventually Mary Ellen left for good and Mother forgot she ever existed. By that time, Mother often thought I was her older sister so I role played another identity.
Since I couldn’t convince Mother otherwise, I learned to be whomever she wanted for the day and opted for an adventure of multiple identities.
(c)2008 Mary Emma Allen
Tags: Alzheimer's humor, Alzheimers, Alzheimers-disease, identity, memory-loss, multiple identities, multiple personalitiesRelated Stories
POSTED IN: Alzheimer's/Care, Alzheimer's/Caregivers, Alzheimer's/Personal Experiences
3 opinions for The Multiple Identities of An Alzheimer’s Caregiver
Alicia Sparks, NAMI Affiliation Leader
Apr 26, 2008 at 7:24 pm
This story warms my heart. I’ve often wondered why some people don’t just “go with the flow” of situations like this, rather than get frustrated until they’re blue in the face trying to make the Alzheimer’s patient “understand” or “remember” or “recognize” who’s who and what’s what. It was refreshing to hear (read) how you handled it.
Mary Emma Allen
Apr 26, 2008 at 9:36 pm
Thank you, Alicia, for stopping by Alzheimer’s Notes and giving your input. I’m pleased you enjoyed my story about Mother. I discovered it only confused her more (and eventually me!) when I tried to make her understand who I was. This became so apparent when Mother thought that “other” woman was stealing my name if I tried to insist I was me. So I just gave her another name and went with the flow. It was an interesting experience being two “me’s” for awhile.
gabrielle
Apr 27, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Oh gosh, Mary Emma. We experienced this too with gram, but our acting skills weren’t tested as far as yours. Depending on the days, my mom was either my mom, gram’s sister, or on the really tough days, gram’s mom, the matriarch of our family. I think those days were the hardest because gram’s pleas for her mom made us all realize how much we missed “baba” (short for babushka).
I really appreciate when you share your own stories of caregiving and coping with us. Thank you.
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