Alzheimer’s Notes

Carol O’Dell, Author of Mothering Mother, Visits Alzheimer’s Notes

by Mary Emma Allen on September 14th, 2007

Carol O’Dell visits us today at Alzheimer’s Notes to share her thoughts concerning Mothering Mother, a humorous and heartbreaking memoir about caring for her mother who developed Parkinson’s disease and a heart condition.  Carol faced situations many of us have in caring for a family member afflicted with Alzheimer’s.  The world of caregiving has many commonalities and brings us together to share, to cry, to laugh…and then realize, “It’s okay.  Someone else felt like this, too.  I’m not alone.”

(If you’d like to read an excerpt from Mothering Mother, visit her web site.  )

Mary Emma - People often ask me why I wrote a specific book or where I got the idea.  So I’ll ask you, Carol, why you decided to write about your experiences with your mother during her journey through Parkinson’s and yours in caregiving?

Carol - I already had begun writing and had published many short stories, essays and articles — and had two finished, but unsold novels before my mother moved in with my family and me.  I decided that writing, speaking and teaching was what I wanted to do “when I grew up.”  So, of course, my mother needed full-time care and the commitment to my writing career was tested.  It was both natural and necessary for me to write about my experience as a caregiver.  I write to understand others, myself and work out life.  I thought long and hard before choosing to become open and vulnerable with my life and the life of my family.  This was not a flippant, casual decision.

Of course, I wondered what people would think, particularly family and friends, and if my mother, even though she had passed away, would object.  In the end, I decided that my story could do more good than harm.  Being real and honest and helping others feel less alone, less heartbroken has been a privilege.  I’ve received countless emails and letters expressing reader’s relief and peace after reading Mothering Mother.  In my heart, I truly believe I made the right decision — and that my mother would have been proud.

Mary Emma - I’ve often had caregivers say they want to forget those difficult times caring for a parent or spouse.  Did you find it difficult to relive some of these memories as you wrote your book?

Carol - Yes, and no.  After you revise and edit a book more than a dozen times, the sting begins to wear off.  I found that even the revision process was carthartic.  I also found that perhaps because I had journaled the entire time, and I had looked at it as carefully as a writer, I had processed some of the pain and was able to move on with my life easier and with greater joy.  Avoiding pain and sorrow is often referred to as denial, and denial is just postponement.  Eventually, you have to take that deep breath and learn to embrace and incorporate your experiences.  I don’t say this lightly.  It wasn’t easy, but I’m grateful.

Mary Emma - Have you found since the release of your book that you’ve been introduced to people who’ve needed the help and comfort your book might provide? 

Carol - Yes!  I’ve met wonderful, wonderful people.  I’ve stood in bookstores, seminars, and support groups and laughed and cried and hugged.  I’ve heard heart-wrenching stories, and side-splitting hilarious stories, and connected with people very quickly on a very deep level because of our shared experiences.  I have so many stories - at my very first booksigning, I chatted with this one woman who had recently lost her mother to Alzheimer’s.  She bought my book, I signed it, and then after she left the store she rushed back in, her eyes filled with question and sorrow.  She asked me, “When will I start to look and feel like myself again?”

Mary Emma - How have you coped since your mother’s death?  Someone I talked with said she had a very difficult time after her mother, afflicted with Alzheimer’s, died. 

Carol - As I mentioned before, I truly believe journaling helped tremendously in the healing process.   I definitely felt lost at first, then euphoric (it’s an odd sensation, but happens after losing a loved one – all that adrenaline), then sentimental, and then after a year perhaps, I started to feel a little more steady.  Today, just over three years later, I’m amazed at how very much I’m still learning — from my mother (I swear, she “talks” and teaches me more now than she ever did — and I listen more now, for sure) and from talking with others about caregiving.  I find new revelations all the time.

Mary Emma - What would you like readers to learn or take away from Mothering Mother?

Carol - How very strong we are, as a family, in our ability to love, and as a caregiver.  That they’re not alone, that they can ask for help, that they can not only survive, but thrive in difficult and challenging times.  How very important and necessary caregiving is to society, and honored it is to be an intimate part of a loved one’s life - and how necessary all this is in their own life, and the continued maturing and transformation of self.  Some people “get” this while others are scared - to be vulnerable - to give so much of themselves, and to let others care for them.  I hope Mothering Mother gets them talking — about what they think they’ll do and  not do.  Open dialogue, that’s that I hope for.

Mary Emma  - Is there anything else you’d like to share about your book, your life, your writing?

Carol - The prequel to Mothering Mother is now under consideration at my publisher’s.  Feel free to visit www.kunati.com and drop an email to the publisher and let him know you’d love to read Said Child.  It’s about my adoption at age four, about finding where I belong, about finding my birth family at age 23, and then learning to love and accept two families.  Again, it’s about forgiveness, family, faith, and belonging.  (And it’s grittier, meatier, and in some ways, deeper than Mothering Mother. )

Carol also is running a contest in conjunction with her virtual blog tour.  There are three ways to enter.  Visit her webpage at www.mothering-mother.com for the details or e-mail carol at writecarol@comcast.com .  You won’t want to miss the opportunity.

Thank you, Carol, for visiting Alzheimer’s Notes.  You have so very much to share, as well as comfort and understanding to offer. 

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